To my dear MJFam - A story of a life

[Posted on TwitLonger on June 17th 2013]

Dear #MJFam members,

you've proven to be the best friends anyone could ever have, and I truly mean that. Most of you have blanketed me with your love and support today, and not only. I feel bad about myself, that I've put you in a situation where you all had to wonder what has happened to me, am I ok? :( I shouldn't have done that.
Besides, I know that being an #MJFam member should make me focus more on everything that happens here, in our beautiful H. family, rather than tweeting about my personal life. Still, to my shame, this has happened a few times with me...it's part of who I am, unfortunately, and it is something that I try to change about myself: I'm always writing what I feel. Whether it's a poem dedicated to my favorite artist, or a quote that I think represents me or what I yearn for most in life, or tweeting about simple things in my life, it's what I feel. I truly honestly cannot lie just to please another. At least, not anymore. Society teaches you to wear a mask, to do anything just to be liked by someone, or integrated in a certain group, or be appreciated at work. And I'm talking here about our everyday lives... Why would I lie on Twitter, when I found the best friends ever? Friends that take me as I am, with all the good and the bad, qualities and flaws, everything... If it were for me, I would never have to pretend someone that I'm not, and if I do it, it's involuntarily and it has to do with work. Yeah...work... :(

Before I go on with this subject called WORK, let me tell you a lil' bit about my life.

My fate changed when I was only 2 months old. My destiny could've been totally different [whether to the better, or to the worse], if something completely unexpected hadn't happened.
My dad died when I was 2 months old. He was 31. Had his whole life ahead. A handsome young man, with such big dreams for the future. He was a little rebellious indeed, but my mother loved him with a love that cannot be explained in words ... and my dad, with all his rebellion and stuff, well he loved his family, and made sure we lacked nothing. I also have a brother who's eight years older than me. So he was 8 when our daddy died. Compared to me, the way he felt the loss of our father is ... too much to be put into words. I cannot even explain what was in my mom's heart. To have your husband die at 31, out of a medical error, 3 weeks after my being baptized... is horrific. Especially knowing how much he had wanted to have a daughter... and he used to rock me to sleep calling me Princess, and Little Strawberry... I know him only from pictures, and from the fact that everybody's telling me how much I physically look like him [I inherited my mother's spirit though].

My mom's world was broken into pieces. In just a couple of days, she lost her husband. People don't usually die from thrombophlebitis. But in communist Romania, anything was possible. So the doctor gave my father antibiotics [which are forbidden in this type of illness, since you don't wanna cause more thrombi, from the increased blood pressure caused by the antibiotics]. But the doctor only looked at my dad's swollen lungs, he didn't care to check other signs of sickness... and so my dad died on his feet, aware that he was dying, aware that they sent him to the county hospital too late!!! - when he already had septicemia ... While dying in the arms of my uncle, almost like half asleep, he just said that my brother's gonna be a priest/pastor, and I'm gonna be a writer. And asked my uncle to take care of us. And he closed his eyes and never opened them again.
It's sad to even write down these words...
My mom says that she used to lock herself in the bathroom every single night, after having rocked me to sleep, and cried her heart out, but still, with a muffled cry, so that me and my brother wouldn't hear her. Having lost her mother in 1982, her father in 1983, and her husband in 1984, I honestly don't know where  she found all that strength from... ...Still to this day, she is an inspiration to me. Every time I have a problem in my life, I think that hers were much worse, and if she could do it, then so can I.
Yet, I feel like the malice in the world today is too much for me to handle. But I don't wanna complain...
Communist Romania was not really the place to be. 70's were really great for Romanians, though. From clothing to food, you could find almost everything..the political system was not as corrupt as it is nowadays, but still, people lived a much carefree life then. Sounds surreal, but it's true. Then the 80s came, and our president started to cut wages, in order to pay all the country's debts. Which is what he did, actually. By 1989, when The Great Romanian Revolution took place [and we actually killed our own president..and by "we" I mean Romanians ... so people from my country, who were injected with poisonous lies, and wanted the president out of the country. Why did they kill him and his wife...? This is out of my power of understanding. This is not the solution... he could've been imprisoned,b/c all he did was to follow some strict communist rules from his foreign superiors, and ...he didn't do it the best way....
My mom was living hard times. Her wage was good, she worked as a telephone operator, but she was a widow. It was hard. She never wanted to love again, never even thought that she could love again. She had no idea what God had in store for her.
One day the electric installation in our apartment went down. She often used to have problems with it. She immediately called the electricity company/enterprise and they sent whoever was working that day. He was a 35 years old man, recently divorced from a lady that he caught in the act in their bedroom with his best friend. Sounds like in the movies, but it was real. He wanted to have children so much, she wasn't even interested in that possibility, so it ended. He came a couple of times in our apartment, fixed our electricity, but my he and my brother bonded immediately. Then he and my mother started chatting about life, and they started telling the story of their lives to each other. They became friends, but my mom never even thought of anything more. That's not what was in her heart and mind. But I was already 2, and when I saw him, I started smiling, which is something that mom says I would do only with people whom I felt comfortable with. He took me in his arms, I looked at him and called him "da-da". Tears went streaming down his face, and it was then and there that we bonded and he knew that he wanted to raise me and my brother. And the rest, guys, is history.
Me and my brother we managed to get my mom and him closer together. My mom was very sad still ..couldn't get over my father's death at all. But she could see this is a man she could trust. So he even took paternity leave to stay with me the whole winter, b/c my mother's boss didn't allow her to take a maternity leave.
They got married in '87, and that awesome man has been my father ever since. I'm so attached to him, that I cannot explain in words. If I were to live in Hollywood they would sure call me and my dad freaks, b/c I still watch cartoons with my father, while lying next to him on the couch, they would invent that my dad is a pedophile or whatever - but they wouldn't get it. They wouldn't understand that having a dad that raises you since the age of 2, never thinking for one second that you're not his own - it's the most beautiful thing that could ever happen. And that, if I lie in bed next to my father and my mom watching a movie, or talking - that doesn't mean anything other than just THAT! That's why I get what our Michael was going through...b/c I've had people jealous of my family...I've been used to people's malice from a very young age: they would bully me in kindergarten, since they were jealous that I would know how to read at 3 - but I never bragged about it, I was just happy to read to my kindergarten fellows, and teacher would always take a break, and let me do the reading. Then there were my family's "so-called "friends" who were smiling at us, but were bullying and gossiping us behind our backs, all out of jealousy that our family was finally happy. Jealous because I had a dad who would always stand up for me, giving me advice, but also be tough when it was the case [never called my dad strict, but he does have very strong principles of life, he's very correct to people, and wanted us to be the same way]. Then at 5, I fell in love with English. Why? Simply because of MICHAEL JACKSON's music. I fell in love with 4 things at the same time: music, dancing, writing and English. He did that. Michael. So my mom and dad saw that I was literally creating songs, singing them in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, outside, wherever. So they took me to The Kids Club, where specialized teachers would..well, teach you how to sing/dance, etc. So I started taking singing lessons, and dancing lessons, and I was the happiest. I was reading novels, then felt inspired to write poems or little short-stories of my own, with a child's mind, of course. But being bullied at school for no other reason that that of having some extra-curricular activities, I would find my escape particularly in singing, dancing and writing.

Never been a cold-hearted person. I was always sociable, and I can even have sense of humor -I can :p. But having been bullied or offended many times, I became shy and my self-esteem had a lot to suffer. As I said, music/dancing/writing continued to be my escape, like a safe haven, where I would hide from the world's worst things.
The Kids Club helped me gain confidence. I was always getting along better with ppl who were younger than me, that is, kids, or ppl who were older than me, cause they were the only ones not having a problem with what I do in my free time. They understood I was doing things that I loved, they saw that I was not the type to brag about it, rather a shy isolated girl, afraid to trust in anyone. They understood it was not about competition. To this day, I have the same things going on...
If I had been mean, or selfish, self-centered, infatuated even just for a split second, than I would have understood people's malice. But I never was like that. I would have long conversation with my parents, especially my dad [yeah, especially my dad, cause my mom had a very busy work schedule + cooking and making sure our clothes are clean, that we ate, that we did our homework, etc -which dad did too, but well..mothers :p...] - and dad taught me to always be kind, respect people in order to be respected, never get infatuated with anything, to thank God for everything that I have and work hard to get that something. Never imagine that something just comes for free. He went through A LOT in his life, enough to make him want his children not repeat the same mistakes, or get hurt for a change.
I continue to ask him for advice, every time I meet him...cause now I got my own life here in this northern Romania city, and ... I feel I somehow disappointed myself and him. He's so proud of me, as is my mom, but...I'm not proud of myself. I'm not. Working as a translator - it's a wonderful thing. I learn so many new things...I get to translate things from my favorite fields: music, literature, medicine, astronomy..it's a challenge every day. But still... somethin's missin'.
I studied Foreign Languages in college - b/c my love for English [especially American literature + accent:p] was too big to just drop it off. But I had to choose between music, medicine, journalism [worked as an anchor in a local radio station throughout high-school], astronomy... wow, pretty much I had a lot to choose from. So I went with Foreign Languages, b/c I wanted to become a teacher...because I simply love them and I've also been surrounded with kids all my life [my mom's relatives are...an enormous family and so is my natural dad's] - so lots of cousins, uncles, aunties and so on. But fate took a turning point and I somehow ended up working in a radio station as a news anchor, until... I found a certain someone, who mesmerized me with stories of endless love and ...here I am.
Here I am stuck in something that I'm not the happiest with, here I am working in a translation office, with a boss whose wife literally hates me, although I've always- ALWAYS been nice to her and to everyone - hates me from the way I dress [if I'd dress too provocative I would understand her, but I'm in an office for God's sakes :( so my clothing screams office style!]- to the way I speak. I think she hates the air that I breathe :(
She hates that I finally did the only thing that I've dreamed about since I was a kid, that is - to participate in a song contest, - auditions were in April, she hates me for having some activities that I enjoy doing outside my job - working with these wonderful children from a placement center, taking some choreography lessons...she hates me and she's talking my boss into hating me too, and looking for reasons to start a scandal, or..whatever. And this pressure is killing me. Not only that I put up with so much pressure and stress while working, b/c there's so many things that I have to do at the same time, and I'm also working with lawyers and Notaries, translating documents... why is he making this even worse? :(( Why??

And why can't your better half give up on his ego? Why do people even have egos? :( Yeah, ego does help when it's being kept only at the level of dignity, but when it goes beyond it, it's called pride. It's called selfishness even.

Besides, I'm friendly...I'd do anything for anyone, especially for my friends, family! Yet, why do people try taking advantage of you? I could very well change and become this cold infatuated girl... but why would I do something that is against my moral values??
Still, I got to the conclusion that, the kinder you are to some ppl, the worse they treat you. :(

My boss's wife is not the only one who hates me. And so, among tears of sorrow here, I'm asking myself: If I gave my last shirt for people, regardless of who they are, and where they come from, why can't people just offer me some unconditional love in return? Is that too much to ask for? I don't need money and treasures, life is pretty short, I'd rather help someone in need, cause I could very well end up having nothing, you never know what life gives you. But you CAN love, support and respect others for who they are, and not expect them just to change because you want it, or because it fits some of your interests.
I'll never forget ...I was in the 8th grade, I participated in this school county contest - related to human rights, cause I always wanted to be able to have a voice in the future about it. I won 1st prize. Then I had to participate in the national Human Rights contest. I was the 2nd. The hatred in my classmates' eyes when I returned from the contest...it's encarved in my heart. Of course, they were just teenagers... I forgave them in my heart right that moment. But I still remember the feeling, the rejection...


So, in that world full of jealousy, hatred and malice, just b/c it happened that I followed [or wanted to follow] some of my dreams, I lost my self-esteem, and tried to regain it piece by piece. In that world, Michael Jackson was my best friend. In that world, Michael's music was [and is] the most wonderful companion and piece of art, Mike's choreography inspired me to be better and more discipline/to be more organized in everything I do, Michael's lyrics inspired me to be a better human being, to unconditionally help people, never waiting for anything in return, just like my parents taught me. When they aired Bashir's interview on national television, we all cried our eyes out [me, mom, dad, brother] - b/c we found it SO UNFAIR!!! SO UN-FAIR!!! It's like we saw his heart, his soul and we knew that he was completely innocent. We then realized what media can do to human beings. It's the reason why I quit from working in media, in the first place. Radio was fun, had nothing to do with press or television, but still... I quit when they asked me to write news saying that MJ was a drug-addict and possibly a pedophile. It was only so much I could take. And I mean it.


I'm still learning about life, I am not perfect, nor pretend to be.
My post here is not written so that I impress you, or get your attention. I just wanted to share these feelings, maybe other people who feel bullied or rejected by other people, can find themselves in what I've just written, and I want to tell them that even though it hurts, and it hurts a lot, we have to move on. I hope I can put into practice what I just said. I'm still sad and disspointed, but ever since I've been here on Twitter, I feel so blessed, I've found you, the amazing #MJFam, composed of such wonderful human-beings, people who are so kind, supportive, and offer you UNCONDITIONAL love! And I think everything happens for a reason. And that this [our encounter on Twitter] had to happen.

I'm honored and blessed to have found Front! He's made me rediscover who I am and what I want in life, and made me dream of a better future for this planet called Earth, for the children, for the poor. I now BELIEVE making a better world for you and for me IS POSSIBLE. I don't know if any of you or Front, for a change, will ever read this, but if he will, I want him to know how much I love him with the purest most innocent, unconditional kind of love! Same are my feelings for you, my wonderful H. Family.

I just hope wherever my natural dad is, that he's proud of me, or at least, that I give him some reasons to be proud of. I would hate to know that his spirit is wandering somewhere sad, seeing his daughter not having a noble purpose in life. I've been blessed with 3 fathers: 1 is God, who's the Father of everyone and everything in this Universe, then my natural dad, Peter, who God thought it's better for him to be in Heaven and guide me from there, and my 'earthly' dad, who's the most wonderful DAD I could ask for.

Just wanna let you know this: if your childhood has been sad, or if your adult years are sad, never lose hope: cause, see? God, nature, fate, Creation, whatever you call it - works in such a way, that it sooner or later compensates for everything you lost. At least, that's what I choose to believe :)

I think I have to be stronger, because I, too can make a difference in the world. i have to be able to.