What is it that I feel?
How can I express it in such a way that everybody gets a sense of what I'm going through...
How can I help the others by stating how I feel? Maybe someone will find himself in my words, and will be able to make that change. The change that I'm so incapable of making right now... A change to the better.
I have searched for love for years and thought that I've finally found it. As anxious and happy as a child, I grabbed love with both hands and let myself carried away on the wings of something that I felt to be the most wonderful feeling in the world. It was taking me to new heights... It was like walking on an endless rainbow, while God was smiling at me the whole time...
[here I paused and I stared at the PC for about a half an hour]...
4 years later, I'm sitting in front of this computer, eyes fixed on the wall, knowing nothing about what I used to call the most wonderful feeling in the world. People come into your life, with the most beautiful promises of bringing this feeling into your heart, promises of nurturing your soul with it until the very last day of your life here on Earth. And you believe them.
Your childish/child-like heart, soul, mind, eyes - all burst into a never-before-seen mixture of heavenly joy, sheer delight, pure inner-peace, an innocent euphoria... You believe. You smile. You love.
[...]
I'm still wondering what have I ever done to make God stop smiling at me and break the rainbow in two? I keep searching and searching and searching... haven't I not given enough uncoditional love? Haven't I been there enough for the one I've blindly believed in and loved beyond words? Haven't I been forgiving? Haven't I not accepted flaws blindly enough?
Have I been too childish? Too immature, maybe? Or too...mature?
[Or is it because I didn't give my love exclusively to you, but I dared to share you with music, dance and poems, my love for children and Nature?
Since when is Love supposed to be all...technological and modern? What ever happened to good-ol'fashioned love, being romantic, singing to your loved-one, rocking your baby to sleep while singing MJ's "Heal the World", or "The Lost Children" and not Lady Gaga's "Judas" or Macklemore's "Thrift Shop"?, caressing, hugging your loved-one, telling how much you love them?] What ever happened to real, beautiful, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?
What ever causes a rainbow so colorful to break into pieces? What a shame... seen like that, all broke into tiny pieces, it looks like little butterflies ...you might tend to wanna touch them, play with them..only to realize that they're tiny pieces of raindrops, shining only when Sun is. But now the Sun is gone, God's smile too...seen like that, the rainbow doesn't look pretty anymore. How will I ever put the pieces back together the way they used to be, with no God to smile at me, no Sun to rise?
A Lost Love is like a rainbow-showing puzzle, with such a multitude of colors, nuances and shades, that you could never find which piece fits exactly into the other, because of too many color mixtures which only lead you to more confusion.
PS: A Lost Love leaves a trace of immense pain, dissapointment, lack of self-trust and tremendous frustration behind. But it can sure pave the way to a whole new chapter in the story of one's life. My love may not be a man anymore, but ... a whole family. A beautiful, fantastical, slightly fictional, yet very real family, a huge one, with thousands of relatives throughout the...entire world. Love doesn't have to be all kisses, hugs, passion at midnight, but it comes to be understood in its fool meaning - while sharing it for a common goal, a purpose so rich in meaning, so beautiful in itself, that it gives chills down my spine and butterflies in my stomach by just writing it! :)
I've had and have an immense L.O.V.E. and respect for the ONE who made me understand MORE of what love in its wholeness means. Besides my mother and her tremendous love for music, which she's probably genetically transmitted to me, HE was the reason of my hitting of the very first musical note, my making of the very first tap-dance attempt, my very first choreography, my very first poem...my UNCONDITIONAL and HONEST love for children, Nature, Animals ...
And I'm in his family now, and I can't explain how I feel. It's not obsession, not fanatic love, none of those weird stalker-like behavioral non-sense. It's the hope of helping someone who helped the World in so many ways, knowing that if the majority of the world is still mentally sane, well, we owe it in [the greaetst] part to..him. And to the message that he sent to us, from the bottom of his heart. It's the feeling of PURE LOVE, multiplied by infinity. It can't be explained in words. It has to be felt. And I truly feel it. I might've lost a love today, but I gained a zillion. And we're all AS ONE. :) For L.O.V.E.
Thank you God.
