The perks of being a love-seeker...

What is it that I feel?

How can I express it in such a way that everybody gets a sense of what I'm going through...

How can I help the others by stating how I feel? Maybe someone will find himself in my words, and will be able to make that change. The change that I'm so incapable of making right now... A change to the better.

I have searched for love for years and thought that I've finally found it. As anxious and happy as a child, I grabbed love with both hands and let myself carried away on the wings of something that I felt to be the most wonderful feeling in the world. It was taking me to new heights... It was like walking on an endless rainbow, while God was smiling at me the whole time...

[here I paused and I stared at the PC for about a half an hour]...

4 years later, I'm sitting in front of this computer, eyes fixed on the wall, knowing nothing about what I used to call the most wonderful feeling in the world. People come into your life, with the most beautiful promises of bringing this feeling into your heart, promises of nurturing your soul with it until the very last day of your life here on Earth. And you believe them.

Your childish/child-like heart, soul, mind, eyes - all burst into a never-before-seen mixture of heavenly joy, sheer delight, pure inner-peace, an innocent euphoria... You believe. You smile. You love.

[...]

I'm still wondering what have I ever done to make God stop smiling at me and break the rainbow in two? I keep searching and searching and searching... haven't I not given enough uncoditional love? Haven't I been there enough for the one I've blindly believed in and loved beyond words? Haven't I been forgiving? Haven't I not accepted flaws blindly enough? 

Have I been too childish?  Too immature, maybe? Or too...mature?

[Or is it because I didn't give my love exclusively to you, but I dared to share you with music, dance and poems, my love for children and Nature?

Since when is Love supposed to be all...technological and modern? What ever happened to good-ol'fashioned love, being romantic, singing to your loved-one, rocking your baby to sleep while singing MJ's "Heal the World", or "The Lost Children" and not Lady Gaga's "Judas" or Macklemore's "Thrift Shop"?, caressing, hugging your loved-one, telling how much you love them?] What ever happened to real, beautiful, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?

What ever causes a rainbow so colorful to break into pieces? What a shame... seen like that, all broke into tiny pieces, it looks like little butterflies ...you might tend to wanna touch them, play with them..only to realize that they're tiny pieces of raindrops, shining only when Sun is. But now the Sun is gone, God's smile too...seen like that, the rainbow doesn't look pretty anymore. How will I ever put the pieces back together the way they used to be, with no God to smile at me, no Sun to rise? 

A Lost Love is like a rainbow-showing puzzle, with such a multitude of colors, nuances and shades, that you could never find which piece fits exactly into the other, because of too many color mixtures which only lead you to more confusion.

PS: A Lost Love leaves a trace of immense pain, dissapointment, lack of self-trust and tremendous frustration behind. But it can sure pave the way to a whole new chapter in the story of one's life. My love may not be a man anymore, but ... a whole family. A beautiful, fantastical, slightly fictional, yet very real family, a huge one, with thousands of relatives throughout the...entire world. Love doesn't have to be all kisses, hugs, passion at midnight, but it comes to be understood in its fool meaning - while sharing it for a common goal, a purpose so rich in meaning, so beautiful in itself, that it gives chills down my spine and butterflies in my stomach by just writing it! :)

I've had and have an immense L.O.V.E. and respect for the ONE who made me understand MORE of what love in its wholeness means. Besides my mother and her tremendous love for music, which she's probably genetically transmitted to me, HE was the reason of my hitting of the very first musical note, my making of the very first tap-dance attempt, my very first choreography, my very first poem...my UNCONDITIONAL and HONEST love for children, Nature, Animals ... 

And I'm in his family now, and I can't explain how I feel. It's not obsession, not fanatic love, none of those weird stalker-like behavioral non-sense. It's the hope of helping someone who helped the World in so many ways, knowing that if the majority of the world is still mentally sane, well, we owe it in [the greaetst] part to..him. And to the message that he sent to us, from the bottom of his heart. It's the feeling of PURE LOVE, multiplied by infinity. It can't be explained in words. It has to be felt. And I truly feel it. I might've lost a love today, but I gained a zillion. And we're all AS ONE. :) For L.O.V.E.

Thank you God.

The man with the heart as big as the sky...

As the Planet faces danger and bad days,

We look up to you and we bring our praise!

So, know that moonwalkers will forever stand by

The man with the heart as big as the sky!

Rain

Tell me, 

When will the rain stop falling over this city, 

When will it stop falling over my heart,

I can no more stand these raindrops of pity

This heavy storm is tearing me apart...

Can't trust this heavenly-poured water

Although I see it's coming from the sky

No purity of life, only pure wonder

As I recall the story: you and I....

Katie, 23.05.2013, 20.52

Tratat de suferinta?

Ai fi crezut ca suferinta poate lua atatea forme? Ca-ti poate zdrobi sufletul atat de tare?

Ca sufletele rele sunt dese si diforme...iar sufletele bune sunt atat de rare...?

Traiesti sub acelasi acoperis cu un om care doar iti urmareste fiecare miscare, defect, slabiciune, la fel ca si cei din care se trage. Iar la greu, te lasa balta.

Incep sa deschid ochii si sa-nteleg. Nu merit toata umilinta asta. CHIAR NU o merit!

Si nu e nicio mana calda care sa ma mangaie pe crestet, un chip bland care sa ma sarute pe frunte si sa spuna ca totul va fi bine. Ca eu insemn totul. Ca-mi cunoaste sufletul si stie cum sunt. Nu e nimeni. Deschid usa, intru in casa, si o singuratate naucitoare ma apasa, si stiu doar ca vreau sa ies pe usa si sa nu ma mai intorc! Nu e nimic mai dureros pe lumea asta decat sa fii singur in doi. Sa fii condamnat la racirea conditionata a sufletului. La atata energie negativa si duh rau simtit sub un singur acoperis. Si sa stii ca nu tu esti cel vinovat. Si sa stii ca e atata imaturitate la mijloc - lipsa comunicarii, lucruri facute in ciuda. Si a fi partinitor...a tine cu mama, bunica, matusica, desi iti ranesc omul cel drag. Iar tu, ca un om "care iubeste" sa dormi intr-un somn mai pufos decat norul din basme, sa te cufunzi in propriile tale vise si probleme si pe cel asa-zis drag sa-l uiti undeva, intr-un colt. De casa, de suflet... Iar tu, cel care sufera ca un caine, te lovesti de un perete. O bariera...: ne-iubirea. In sfarsit intelegi ca despre asta e vorba, si vrei sa te rupi. Dar sufletul tau bleg si prost nu pricepe. Ratiunea nu iarta, dar sulfetul, sufletul e cea mai maleabila componenta umana, de inspiratie divina. Putem sa fim atat de iubitori, atat de neconditionat sa facem asta, atat de bine putem intelege ca frica este umana si ca exprima starea pamantului pe care traim , si atat de bine am putea ierta micile iesiri de neincredere, oboseala si stressul unui om, atat de mult am putea fi dragastosi, de dragul sentimentului pur pe care dragalasenia unui om il reprezinta, macar pentru asta...daca nu de dragul altcuiva. Atat de frumos putem comunica intre noi fiintele umane, daca gasim un suflet maleabil, gata oricand sa fie sincer, deschis, chiar si in a-si recunoaste propriile defecte, fara orgolii si taranisme si razbunari de 2 bani. Mai ales cand totusi langa tine poate ai un suflet cald si maleabil, care incearca sa se tot muleze pe caracterul fiecaruia, iar altii dau doi bani. Si ti-l mai si zdrobesc cu toata forta. Si atunci...? Clar ca te schimbi, fara sa vrei.

Te inchizi incet in camaruta aceea, pana nu demult din ce in ce mai luminoasa, acum in bezna totala - a sufletului tau. Simti gerul napraznic al suferintei. Peste toti si peste toate, sot, mama, tata, frati, surori, maicute si calugari binevoitori - pentru fiecare sta cel mai presus doar fericirea si bucuria sa proprie.

Daca nu ai trait niciodata o drama sufleteasca, despre care simti ca te poate aduce in pragul nebuniei, atunci nu judeca. Nu ai acest drept divin. Roaga-te mai bine sa nu cunosti umilinta, judecata aspra din partea unor oameni care nu-si vad barna din ochi NICIODATA, sa nu cunosti parsivitatea si falsitatea, para josnica si taranismul grotesc. Tupeul unora de a considera ca - dupa o viata in care energia pozitiva si sufletul curat al unui om, fara de intentii parsive - au fost pe lista candidatilor la intinare, dupa incercari cumplite de a rani acel suflet neintinat cu toate marsaviile lumii - ca tot tu ai gura cam mare, si vorbesti si te aperi cam mult.

Viata mea este ea insasi o ironie a sortii. Un zar aruncat gresit sau un joc pierdut la sah. Un puzzle gandit din start aiurea cu piese lipsa, sau cu unele in plus. Sau poate, cine stie, si Universul in expansiunea sa, mai comite erori...

PS. Postarea asta merge citita ascultand piesa de mai jos, disponibila in doua variante...video. Eu am avut piesa asta in minte pe tot parcursul compunerii acestei postari, si simt ca m-a inspirat....

Watch the links!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRdGe_-WFo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cD_hbD8fSU

If only I could turn back (hair) time.Never cut your hair just to be in style! :p

Cateodata, regretul faptului ca nu mai poti da timpul inapoi, nu se refera neaparat la o iubire neimplinita, durerea dupa o despartire, pararea de rau ca nu ai reusit sa faci anumite lucruri atunci cand momentul era prielnic. Cateodata, niciuna dintre variantele amintite mai sus nu poate concura cu regretul unui fapt aparent super-banal: o tunsoare.

Da, nu rade. Nu e nimic mai grav decat sa constientizezi ca aici chiar nu mai poti da timpul inapoi. Daca ti-ai taiat pletele, bun taiate au ramas! Iar cateodata, poti sa mai ai si ghinionul de a nu mai putea face nimic din tunsoarea respectiva. Adica sa mai poti repara ceva.

Cand m-am dus la coafor, cu un soi de voucher castigat pe buna dreptate, deci sa ma tund practic mocca, mi-am luat si niste hartii cu mine - niste poze cu niste tipe...am venit pregatita, aratand cum as vrea sa ma tund eu. Din alea 6 poze duse, am ales doua impreuna cu coafeza, si am zis hai sa combinam ceva. Ok, sunt adepta modernismului, dar nu pe par. Nu pe parul meu! Asa se face ca, arat intr-un fel in care, cum sa spun... lui Karl Lagerfeld, de exemplu, s-ar putea sa-i pic cu tronc. Sunt futurista rau! Unde e tunsoarea mea bob, mai scurt in spate, mai lung in fata.... unde e? Cand esti tuns pe parul ud, nu prea realizezi ce ti se pregateste acolo, in podoaba capilara.

Si nu, nu zic ca sunt tunsa gresit. Sunt cat se poate de mult (probabil) un model pentru tanara generatie de liceu, din care pana mai ieri, faceam si eu parte. Dar, cu scuzele de rigoare, eu-s mai clasica asa. Un bob din ala de l-am mentionat mai sus - ar fi fost superb. Sau filat, si lasat pana la umar. Ce-i asta - intr-o parte mai lung, intr-o parte mai scurt? Ma simt ca Boy George intr-o criza existentiala. Cum sa mai dau timpul inapoi???

Cand te certi cu iubitul (pe motive aiurea, de cele mai multe ori, ca sa nu mai zic ca de cele mai multe ori, din cauza lui si a lipsei de rabdare, ca ce sa-i faci, trebuie sa-i explici ca nu esti un robot, pe care il apesi pe buton si zambeste, este mereu in toane bune, este always fresh) - tot mai exista o sansa. Tot mai exista bunul simt, a-ti cere iertare, constientizarea greselilor ambilor, bla bla bla...etc. Cand faci o fapta prea tarziu, regreti ca nu ai facut-o la timp, si simti ca acum nu mai are niciun rost.... insa tot te ajuta faptul ca ai reusit sa o faci pana la urma. Asa tarziu cum a fost.... Dar cand iti tai peste 12 cm de par (echivalentul cresterii medii a parului unui om intr-un an de zile!) si rezultatul e si mult sub ceea ce sperai si-ti doreai, iar peruca nu prea vrei sa te apuci sa porti, ce faci? Cum o dai intoarsa? Cum repari? Tunzandu-te si mai scurt??? Zero? Chel? Nasol moment.

Asa ca, atunci cand te intristezi si ti se pare ca timpul a trecut pe langa tine, si n-ai facut, si n-ai dres, si totul se darama, aminteste-ti cat de aiurea e sa astepti luni sau ani pana parul iti creste la loc si poti schimba ceva la fata ta. Fata cu care zilnic te prezinti in fata populatiei. Si nu e vorba de cum arati in fata lor, ci de cum te simti tu cu tine. Deocamdata, condamnat sa te suporti cu stoicism, zilnic, cand dai ochii cu oglinda.

Getting myself back!

A fellow whom I work with said that I shouldn't take revenge. Thing is, I never did. Me and Revenge, we're oxymorons. Yet, I'm somehow surrounded by a world of OXY-MORONS (that is, morons with oxydated brains and souls]. People who have dollars flickering instead of their eyeballs. Who are able to sleep very comfortably at night, thinking they will rule the world, if they took away things you love, things you need, things you worked hard for, enduring all kinds of mistreatings, never saying anything, always hoping one day things will change!

Yeah, right! They did change... I got to be the stupid girl, who endured insults from mean people, who, to make matters worse, look all saints and entitled to complain. What an irony! I was blamed for being too sensitive, in a place where those people were gossiping starting with my clothing and ending with every breath I took. I should commend them for that: they are witty, indeed. They do know how to achieve what they proposed. Instead, I was the stupid girl doing everything they asked for, always getting "No"'s whenever I asked for help, always getting " I don't have time!" and passed to the other one, who said the same, always getting ironies, no matter what. And, after all that crap I got, I never told the person who needed to know about all this, maybe I just mentioned some of the things... because the whole thing was starting to make me concentrate less and less. I was afraid of telling him the truth. Who am I, after all? And he wouldn't believe me, anyway. I'm the newer girl.

So, yes...it's my fault. My fault for not setting things straight when I should have. For not telling those girls a couple of things in their faces. For not making my own justice, when I had the opportunity. Now, with my mother having been sick and all, I just tried to cope with it, not ask for days-off, try to do my thing in the best way possible. But ironies and "Go away, I don't have time to help you!" continued...and weakness moments came. I will continue to say I am human, because even the best businessman on this planet is human, after all. My fault - for being ME.

It's my fault I let someone catch me off-guard and not being able to fight. I was never picked up from the street corner. What I do, I do because I am a valuable person in what I do, even so, with my sensitivity and all that crap. I won't allow any more offenses, I think I took enough all these months, from my dear colleagues, who, using a wonderfully-crafted mask of "Oh, we understand Kate, and we wanna help her, but see....." - managed to bring me down. Kudos!!!

And I sit and wonder...how come that people can get out of there ["only" 3-4 last week] complaining of never coming back, accusing mistakes, and no one EVER finds out??? But when I have a weak moment, of a killing back-ache and a mother who's just recovering from a sickness, EVERYONE knows? And threatens? And kicks me out?

The thing is, I never complained. I never even saw a reason to do it. I was happy, even so...with all the "kindness" I got from my fellow-workers. Even though I always came back home tired and stressed-out, until I finally understood: you can't force LOVE. It is or it is not!

All those months trying to get closer to them, to be able to communicate...and for what? Just to lose it all?

I might lose money, fame, fortune, jobs...but I will never lose my dignity, in order to please someone. Who doesn't even understand I was a Pro!

Verbal and emotional abuse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWTAdfIc4kQ&feature=related

And that's all that there is to it!

A, and you're always the guilty one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el3g35rfLso&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi-3CGhHCPM

Iar aici de la minutul 2.15 e cel mai adevarat!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npUAjShf5pY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt8bUzI4o_w&feature=related

Normal relationship behavior: "I'm not intereted in being right, I'm interested in being happy!"

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO SEE:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8wRk__tnM8&feature=related

- Out of Control Male Ego- actually so insecure that they need this mask. They are fake, rude, awful.